Why I hate Tennessee:

GOOD PICK UP, WILL, FOR NOTING THAT UT DID NOT ACTUALLY SCORE 50 ON US LAST YEAR. IT SEEMED LIKE THEY SCORED 150 TO ME, I HATE THEM SO. WHY? YOU MIGHT ASK. ONE: BECAUSE THEY PLAY US. TWO: BECAUSE THEY HAVE BEEN BEATING US. THREE: BECAUSE VINDICATION VIA VICTORY OVER THEIR SYRUPY SWEET SOUTHERN BUTTS WAS SO SWEET…AND WILL BE AGAIN. WE OWNED THEM. BEFORE THAT THEY OWNED US. I HATE TO ADMIT IT, BUT THEY ARE REAL CLOSE TO OWNING US AGAIN. WE SIMPLY MUST BEAT THOSE HILLBILLIES THIS YEAR, MY DEARS. FOUR: ORANGE, THE WORST POSSIBLE SHADE OF PRISONER PICKING UP TRASH, HUNTER SAFTETY UGLY AS POOP, ORANGE. FIVE: THEIR FANS ARE MOSTLY NICE. THAT’S RIGHT, I HATE THEM FOR BEING A BIT NICE. MUCH EASIER TO BE MEAN TO THE INAPPROPRIATE WAR DUMB UGLIES AT INBRED AUBURN, FULL OF VENOM AND VITRIOL…AND IDIOCY. FLOOR-DUH AINT NOTHIN BUT A BUNCH OF YANKEES AND WHITE TRASH; EASY TO DO NOTHING BUT HATE THEM. DAMN THOSE UT FANS. THEY WOULD BE ALL LIKE “BUT IT WAS A GOOOOD GAME,” AFTER THEY BEAT US. THEY ACTED TOWARD US, WHEN THEY BEAT US EVERY YEAR, LIKE A BIG BROTHER TRYING TO CONSOLE – WHILE REALLY RUBBING IT IN – HIS HUMBLED AND DEFEATED BABY BROTHER. THEN WE BEAT THEM ALWAYS, AND LO-AND-BEHOLD THEY WERE NOT SO NICE AFTER ALL. SIX: THE CHECKERBOARDS TOTALLY SUCK. SEVEN: THE SONG. EIGHT: GO TO HELL, PEYTON, OR SHOULD WE CALL YOU ELI’S BIG BROTHER?. NINE: FAT PHIL IS A BLOATED SACK OF PROTOPLASM. TEN: I HAVE A LOT OF UT FRIENDS.

MEMPHIS IS VERY COOL. NASHVILLE IS PRETTY COOL. KNOXVILLE IS OKAY. CHATT-TOWN IS NICE. I LOVE THE MOUNTAINS…AND I HATE TENNESSEE.

JUST AN FYI: WE PLAY THEM THIS YEAR. ARE WE GONNA LET THOSE ROCKY TOP YODELING HALF-WITS BEAT UP ON US AGAIN? I THINK NOT.